You have to have a sense of humor in life no matter what comes your way, and I found I did after a while as odd as that sounds, even in the hardest times in my life.
I don't think I was ever really scared about anything, and I have always had this odd calm about me the more I think back in my life, that is how I have always been.
That is when it occured to me about pain, pain really doesn't hurt that much, we are just that much scared of it.
I'll explain that later.

Now When I was 10 I arrived in the US from China after being over there for a very long time, my Dad was in the service, and my folks got divorced due to the war in Viet Nam, and thier adult problems.
So my Mom got re-married to a Philliphino man and we moved back to the US where we ended up living in Oklahoma. He had a band, they also came over they made a living playing clubs.
My life as a kid was pretty neat from birth until we moved back to the US, I was unhappy from then on.

I am not sure if it was the air, the crowd his was running in or maybe it was me growing up that triggered it, but at age 10 and 11 I was the target of my step father, he molested me for two years, he told me that my mom would die if I told her and I believed him, stupid me, I was a kid.
Then one day I got my womanly stuff and it all stopped.
He just turned mean instead. Our punishments used to be nealing on the marble floors, with raw rice under our knees, arms held up shoulder height from our sides, palms facing up, so we could hold one dictionary in each hand for and hour, if our arms went down they were whipped.
did I mention he was mean?

At the age of 14 my mom and he divorced, Whew was all I thought! At the age of 16 my mom was about to loose the house, so word got out in her circle and who shows up... my ex step dad, he tells my mom that he will come back and help her save the house IF I will have his baby give it to them to raise, and I will be set up in an apartment far away so I wont get involved with the babys life...
uuuuuhhhh no....
everybody got mad, at me mostly, and i was mad at my mom for even concidering the idea and asking me.

That was the reason as far as I was concerned why we had been apart for soooo long emotionally and so hard to live with.
After trying to keep the house, it was lost, but it was better in the long run, we moved into an apartment.

At 17 I worked for Target part time after school, I got to keep 1/3 of my money the rest went to my mom for the up keep of the apartment, so I was told

I quit there and went to work at a Pizza place, and exactly on my 18th birthday I got into a car accident, I almost died
the girl who hit my boyfriend and I did, he got a bloody nose.

A rear view mirrior was lodged into my forehead, I broke 3 ribs, punctured my left lung, [which healed up], broke my right thumb, and messed up my kness and ankles.
I now have Eplilepsy, a hard time breathing off and on from my lung, [course smoking off and on from age 11 which I no longer do, did not help it any] my eyesight is bad, and health is poor, HOWEVER, I feel right and good, and it's ok.

After my surgery of putting me back together when I was still 18, and still in bandages, I moved out of my mom's apartment and into my own, this is where I began to fall farther in the pit of dispare.

The only place I found that I could afford was a town house with a girl that I worked with, we later found we could not get along, so she moved out.

I was left with a townhouse I could not afford, In steps my mom's NEW boyfriend and my mom with of all things speed, and asked me to sell them, keep so much for my rent and food. I confess, back then I was a stupid kid and did not know what I was doing, and it sounded harmless, however I can truly say that nothing was ever sold to children, just strip dancers in the clubs at night. Did I mention how stupid I was??? Then things just got worse. I found that if you hang with sin you become, sin, no matter what form, then you stink, rats flock to stink, like bees to honey.
I also started to use the same speed I was selling, it almost killed me. I had parties at my home every night, there were people in my home I had no idea who they were, I had a lot of them, so to speak, as well I confess, I was sin, black as night, or so I thought.

Then one day I was sitting on my stairs recovering from a hangover, [which by the way I was not supposed to drink, do drugs or get over excited due to my accident] and someone bangs on my door.
Another person, I have no idea who answers it, and there stands this 6 foot something, dark haired man that sent shivers down my spine. He was evil, but I didn't know that at the time. Evil normally shows up with a very pretty face and in forms we really want so BEWARE!
I know I married that man, and had 6 years of tears.

I can only thank him for two things, my daughter, and helping me get off of speed, AHHHH but truly he was guided :) He was a tool.

Now after years of trying to leave that man, the state of Florida helped me by arresting him and sending him back to Oklahoma, where he couldn't get out of jail for bank robbery! So I took my daughter and left, then one day I asked his mother a nice woman at the time I had thought, to watch my daughter for 3 days, I didn't get her back for 15 months. With my daughter back, and within 1 year we moved in to an apartment together.
I was about to have my world turned upside down and inside out and didn't even know it.

I had the summer with her that was it, and I met a really nice man, she even liked him, [we married in the future and I am married to him to this day], so we moved into his apartment to save money. We were one happy family, the kind one dreams about.
One night we were walking to the store to get our food, we lived in a small town and she stopped and said "Mommy, I am going to see God before you do, but if you ever get lonely for me just look up into the sky and when you see the biggest twinkling star, that will be me winking back at you, ok?" well being a mom I just said sure sweetheart ruffled her hair, hugged her and we went on.
One week to that day she was murdered by a 19 year old man 3 times her size.

To top it off it he lived in our old apartment.

I don't remember much of 3 weeks after that, but I do remember, the hate both my mom and my mother in law had and still have for one another.

I honestly couldn't tell you what I felt for the man that killed my daughter, I know what he did to her, I wont repeat it, it was aweful.
I know what people go through when thier family member(s) get killed as we see on TV everyday, I have been there, my heart hurts for them. My choice to forgive the man who killed my daughter was mine, not for other family members, just mine. Just as I forgave my Step Father, Ex-Husband, Mother and everyone who has ever hurt me or mine.

I have learned I have no hate in me, and I don't believe I ever had any to begin with, just a lot of dislike in my past.
people can hurt me many times, Nature can mangle me to the point of death, and some one or some thing can only kill me once.
HOWEVER...My Father in Heaven can kill me forever more, if he so choose's. He didn't, He saved me by His Son's Blood.

I have had pain, in many ways and I can tell you if you are not aware of it, it doesn't hurt, IE: I didn't know I had a rear view mirror in my head, or broke my ribs or thumb or a hole in my lung, until someone told me.
Then the pain hit.

I talk to my mom now and my dad, she has finally stopped hating too, I have tried to keep up with my mother in law, she will not let go of the hate and is wallowing in it. I have prayed for her. I hope to see her one day.

I know I was put here on this earth for a good reason, I now know it is to be a witness of the Glory of God. I am telling you set your heart to rights now, Jesus is comming and in the blink of and eye, not I'll do it tomorrow time, not I'll do it later time. But like a theif in the night. so repent and ask him to wash away your sins with his blood he sacrificed for you.

PRAISE GOD!

Till I Hug You Again 1982-1990